“Then why didn’t
you?” John stepped in. “I’ll tell you
why; because you believed the Master. We all did.... That's why we chose to stay.”
“But what good has that
done us now, boy?” Matthew who had been brooding in silence now joined in. “We left all to
follow him. And
now he is dead. I
don’t even know if I have a profession to go back to. It’ll be easier
for you, Sons of Zebedee; your father will allow you back into his boat. But will the
authorities re-employ me? I am
considered a rebel, along with the Master. I cannot hold another public office. I have given
away much of my wealth - that which I had saved before I met the Master - I
have nothing to go back to, no security.
“No future” he moaned. “Don’t look at
me like that; think of yourselves,” he said sharply, “what have you go to go
back to? Will our lives ever be the same
again? And for what?” with that, he lapsed back into his dark silence. And infectious
silence. The
others looked at each other.
“The Master promised us
much.... In his kingdom we would have had a
hundred times as much of all that we have given up - and eternal life in the
age to come.” John remembered.
“What will your mother say
to that now, John?” Simon the Zealot asked, watching as the younger man cringed
in embarrassment.
“Leave him alone,” Andrew
warned.
“Do you still want to sit,
one on the Master’s right and the other on his left?” Simon taunted, encouraged
by the others’ laughter.
“We weren’t the only ones
who wanted a position in his kingdom,” John defended, angry, “you were all
equally interested or you wouldn’t have been arguing about who was the greatest. What did you
expect to be, Simon? Commander in chief of his army?”
Simon sprang to his feet,
his dagger drawn. He
had always carried it with him though well concealed from the Master. Simon knew
Jesus wouldn’t have approved of his physical violence. He had almost
used it at the Garden but skillful as he was with it, he knew he was
no match alone against the soldiers, their swords and the Pharisees and their
sticks and clubs and slaves. He had put it out of sight again then, and
had regretted it ever since. He should have tried, done something. Given Jesus a
chance to escape; at least he could have died trying. His moment of
cowardice would always haunt him and now it goaded him into drawing it against
the fisherman.
There was a gasp from the
others as John got to his feet too. Simeon hoped he wouldn’t have to use it. He wished he
hadn’t been so rash but he wasn’t going to be a coward a second time.
John, Son of Thunder,
faced him. John’s
eyes blazed. There
was no fear in them.
He who had wanted fire from heaven to come down and burn up a whole
Samaritan village in his anger, now was itching for a fight. All the pent up
anger and pain at having to stand by and watch helplessly as his friend had
died - was now seeking release.
It was to John as if he
had been in agony too. Yet he hadn’t been able to leave the foot
of the cross. Couldn't
leave Jesus. And in the darkness that had strangely enveloped the land, John
had stood vigil in the flickering torch light. With nothing else to do, he had remembered. Remembered
other days when he had leaned on those shoulders now stretched out so cruelly. Those hands
that had reached out to those no one else would; picked up those children who
couldn’t walk his pace and yet who wanted to walk the distance with him. Jesus.....
John had heard Peter’s
declaration to the Master that he, Jesus, was the Son of God, and John, in his
heart had believed it too.
Those hands that had flung
the stars across the sky, shaped the mountains, painted the wings of a
butterfly, now were outstretched, bleeding. Why didn’t he unleash his power? What kept it in check, why was he allowing
Man, whom He had created, to humiliate Him?
John couldn’t understand
it. Couldn't
accept that Jesus’ death was part of some great, mysterious plan of God. What good could
possibly come out of it?
And young John, had
allowed himself to cry. Who would notice anyway? Who cared?
And now these men talked. Where had they
been, he would have liked to ask. It was only his love for Jesus that had
kept a control on his tongue. He had to force himself to remember that
Jesus had loved them too. So for his master’s sake.....Till
now.
But Simon had goaded him
beyond control.
“Oh stop it, the both of you.” Matthew
commanded. “Start
a fight and you won’t have to wait in suspense for the authorities to arrest
you. Now sit
down! And calm
down. There
is nothing to be done till the Sabbath is over. The Master is dead; The Kingdom is never to
be - at least not in this generation and we had all better be thinking of our
future plans.”
The moment was diffused. Simon put away
the weapon and sat down. Cautiously, John did too, but never taking
his eyes off the other man. It had taken him by surprise and he wasn’t
sure if Simon could be trusted again. The others too shifted nervously, sure of
only one fact - something was happening to what they had always thought was an
unbreakable bond between them - a brotherhood - more than mere blood-ties
between natural siblings; they were falling apart, coming undone at the seams.
Their common thread, it was now obvious, had been Jesus.
____l-----------l___
“Mary, Susanna and I are
waiting out the Sabbath. But where were you when the Master needed you? Where was your loyalty to your ‘King? You ran away when they arrested him in the
Garden, and have been hiding ever since. You,” Joanna's pointed finger swept over the men. “You weren’t
there when they brought him out to Herod. If your loyalty to him was as you boast,
that was when you should have tried to free him. The people were all there - your loyal
subjects. They
had seen the signs and miracles - they would have followed you, surely.
“You fought over who was
the greatest, who should sit at the Master’s right hand, but which one of your
tried to set him free? What happened to
the Promises of the Kingdom? Wasn’t it
enough to prompt you to defend your king?
And you were expecting to be ministers in his kingdom? Matthew, you a High Priest, maybe? Being of the lineage of Levi?” her tone, scathing.
“Where were you, ‘soldiers
of Christ’, when they brought him out bloodied and torn?- his eyes trying to blink away the blood that
ran down his forehead and caked on his lashes?
Did you wipe them away for him?
Did you help him to carry that heavy crossbeam? Did you help him to ease its load, lift its
rough wood off his back and shoulders where it rubbed into his torn and
tattered back? Did you even see it? His flesh was ripped to ribbons where the
bones on the whips’ tips had dug in.” She took in a deep, shuddering breath,
trying to control her voice through the threat of tears..
“Bartholomew”, her anger
had not yet abated, “you have moaned and grumbled . Where were you
when Jesus stumbled on the stones, his legs weak; did you pick him up, steady
him? Did you try to offer him a cup of
water? Did you notice how parched his
lips were?” Her tears flowed freely, “How… How dare any of you even think
of how much you have lost!. What have you lost? Jesus gave you the best three years of your
lives but he lost his life. What have you ever done for him, that you
should boast?”
“Where were you when they
crucified my lord?” she beat her chest with a bunched fist, her agony evident.
Joanna stood there trembling, her eyes blazing with fury, with frustration at
the disciples, at the unjust authorities, at her own great loss.
She finally sat down, her
legs weak. She
sat close to Mary, and put an arm around her friend who was yet to say a word. Surely Mary’s
loss was much greater.
The men looked sheepish,
uncomfortable.
The knock on the door made them all jump.The knock repeated, persistent,
authoritatively.
The knock on the door made them all jump
Simeon drew his dagger out
and moved forward cautiously.
“Don’t.” Suzanah pushed him aside. “I’ll open the
door. We don’t
know who it is. It
may not be trouble.”
but she didn’t sound convincing, even to herself.
She lifted the latch, and
opened the door a fraction; Simeon hid directly behind it, ready to pounce at
the first sign of danger.